ITS HARD LETTING GO

i was his little girl
the pampered princess
he wants to give me everything he cud possibly afford
he love my frens cos he knows how much they mean to me
he stays up late with me during my exams
he buys me clothes on his own even though hes not sure if its in or out
we go for long drives together
he let me do anything i want
he believes in me

it was time i leave
we said our goodbyes
little did we know the "goodbye" was for real n for a lifetime

one phone call
the call that conveys a message to a daughter that her father is no more in this world
the call tat shatters my whole world
it felt like a dream..no i want t to be a dream
it felt like its the end of everything
it hurts so much
it hurts more knowing that i have to be strong for my two little brothers who so looked up to me

there he lay
so peacefully sleeping
i called him
i somehow felt if i call him maybe he'll wake up to see his little angel coming home
but he just lay there with his lips sealed n eyes shut
i saw my two little brothers sitting there so disappointed
their eyes said they needed answers
answers to know y their daddy had to be taken away so early
they dnt exactly understand wats going on but u cud tell they're really hurting

there are so many things i didnt tell him yet
he left before hearing me out
he left before i cud tell him how good he looked in his maroon shirt
he left before i cud tell him hes the only one who ever make me laugh so hard
he left before i cud tell him hes the best father i cud ask for
he left before i cud thank him for letting me do anything i want
he just left...

its been 3 years,4 months and 4 days
i thought i had moved on
but i realise i hadnt
and maybe i never will
how cud i let go of a memory so beautiful n true
when its all i have left to remind me how having a father feels like
he used to visit me in my dreams
we wud talk n laugh
but hes not around much anymore
i prayed everynyte that he wud come n visit me
cos its the only way i cud have a father again

there are times i locked myself in a room n cried
there are times i just wanna scream out loud and call for him
there are times i hide my tears seein my mom struggling so hard
shes trying to be strong but shes breaking inside
she misses someone to tell her how beautiful she is
she needed someone to talk to when shes losing it
my heart breaks to see my brothers so lost without him
to see them trying to be strong for my mom
to see my little bro andrew still sleeping with her everynyte since dad died
he wudnt let her sleep alone even if she tells him to sleep in his room
i know that they needed him more than i do

one more month to go n its summer break
as usual ill be picking out stuff for each of them
i cant help but notice the stuffs which id love to get for him
the lighters he fancied so much
the cotton jeans hes so fond of
the shoes he wud wear wit every jeans n formals
i know the exact stuff to get for him
if only he were still here
i know he would have loved t..


now i know moving on or letting go isnt the answer
im not even sure wat the answer is
maybe holding on to memories is how id like da answers to be
and they said time heals
but it doesnt

all i know now is that its okay to miss him n shed a tear every once in a while
its okay to let t out once in a while
we miss u dad
we're fighting it
i know we're gonna be alright.

love you so much...kisses XX